Darkness
by Lizziginne
Summary: 5 parter. Angsty Story written as a response to twitter conversations. "With his words your world crumbled and everything went black." H/N to begin, you'll see what happens. Rated T for a few rude words.
1. Chapter 1

**Oh Hi, look two stories in a week, bloody miracle! This is called Darkness and it is my attempt at a mutlichap (there will be 5 parts + epilogue) **

**I blame Claire (WelshClaire) for this story as over on Twitter we have been bouncing idea off each other and we are both writing our own version of the same story. So go and read hers as well. **

**You probably won't like me very much after this chapter, or the next, or the next... you might change your mind by part 4 :P**

**So enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the BBC, the rest is mine.**

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Darkness - Part 1

You were at work. Actually, when weren't you at work? You were sitting at your desk, opposite Nikki Alexander, your girlfriend. 8 months ago you'd asked her out on a date. It had taken a lot of courage and Leo "accidently" locking you in the cutting room together late one Wednesday evening, but she happily agreed.

You'd taken her to The Kowloon Kitchen for your first date. You'd taken her there before, but things hadn't exactly turned out quite right that first time. But the second time it was different. No one turned up and interrupted the perfect evening. No one interfered as you walked her home. And there was definitely no one there to disturb you as you kissed her gently in the moonlight on the steps of her apartment.

It had been a wonderful first date, and the second had been just as good, a picnic in the park. Even though a goose chased after you, obviously wanting your smoked salmon and cucumber sandwich. The third date went even better; you took her to Butterfly World. You knew she loved it there. She hadn't stopped talking about it since she last went.

It had gotten even better since. You were spending most nights at either your flat or hers, together. It was wonderful, not to mention the sex. That was fantastic. You'd asked her to move in with you yesterday and she had agreed. You were ecstatic. She meant the world to you. You were taking this relationship slowly, not wanting to rush in to things, but you knew what you wanted in the long run, marriage, kids, the whole shebang.

You kicked Nikki's foot under the desk. She squealed.

"Come on, let's get some lunch." You were starving and it was 2 o'clock. You hadn't eaten since 6 am, you weren't quite sure how Nikki did it!

You got up, grabbed her hand and pulled her up and away from her work which she was so engrossed in. She weighed barely anything. You'd noticed this since you had started dating. She was always very slim, but she seemed almost just skin and bones now. It wasn't like she didn't eat, she ate plenty but just seemed so slim. That's how she naturally was.

You wandered down the local high street, searching for something to eat. You ended up at Wagamamas. You loved it there and so did Nikki. There is nothing quite like a good Ramen to fill you up and keep you going for the rest of the day. Especially when you had a decomposition Post Mortem to do, which Leo had very kindly handed over to you after attending the scene and coming back smelling like a rat that had taken a swim in the sewers of Dennis Nielsen's house. Just what you wanted.

Nikki had nicely dodged being handed that case by offering to cover Leo's afternoon on call as he had a doctor's appointment. I envied her quick thinking.

We sat at lunch just chatting away about nothing really. Making plans to move in together. Making plans for our holiday next month to Madagascar. Nikki had wanted to go all out on out first holiday together. Seeing the jungle and doing a night trek where we would go lemur spotting, followed by a couple of nights in Antananarivo, the capital and 5 days in a luxury beach resort. It was going to be perfect. Just the two of you, away from everything.

You talked about politics too, your differing opinions on who to vote for in the next elections for London major. Boris was much better in your opinion than Ken Livingstone. Even if you were only going on hairstyle. Nikki had teased you that you only wanted to vote for Boris because his hair looked just like yours only his was blonde ad yours need the occasional bit of hair dye to stop it looking grey.

You walked back to the Lvell Centre at a leisurely pace, walking through the nearby park and feeding the ducks a little bit of bread that you had bought of the little old lady who sold it to the children. She reminded you a bit of the bird lady at St Pauls Cathedral in Mary Poppins. You whispered that in to Nikki's ear, which made her giggle.

You reached the Lyell Centre just after 3:30pm, it had been a late lunch. That was what happened when you became engrossed in a case like the pair of you had been. A double murder. They thought it was just bad luck at first. An old couple found dead in their bed. But cyanide in their bodies and bruises to their arms and shoulders suggested someone else was with them.

Nikki clutched her stomach as you sat down to finish your report before the PM. You asked what was wrong.

"Nothing, just period pains, I took some ibuprofen 20 minutes ago, It hasn't kicked in yet." You raised your eyebrow, she'd had period pains before but they'd never lasted more than a day, and this was the third day she'd complained about them. She ignored your look and continued on with her report.

It was long before her mobile rang and a DI loudly ordered that he needed her at a crime scene. As suspicious death in Harrow apparently. She kissed you, deeply, knowing that if this DI was demanding she'd be up all night doing the PM and running any and all tests required of her. You kissed her back and told her you loved her. Something which you'd only started saying in the past 3 months or so although you'd both admitted you knew you loved the other long before you could bring yourselves to say it out loud.

You went to the cutting room, preparing yourself for the decomp. PM which you knew would be hell on earth. Why did people have to lay undiscovered for weeks? These PMs were your least favourite, well that and children's.

You were elbow deep in decomposing human tissue when your phone rang. You glanced at the display. Leo, he was probably just calling to invite you and Nikki over for dinner later. He'd leave a message or call back. And call back he did. Not 10 minutes later. You still couldn't answer. Maybe he'd get the picture that you were busy, just because he had the afternoon off! Lucky sod.

An hour later and you'd finished the PM, showered and change back in to normal clothes instead of the hideous scrub that Nikki found so attractive on you. You finally picked up your phone. You had 2 voicemail, you presumed from Leo.

"Hi Harry, call me back as soon as you get this." BEEEEEEP

"Harry, its Leo, you need to get to the hospital as soon as you can. Nikki collapsed at her scene. I'll explain when you get here." BEEEEEEEP

The second message sounded urgent, very urgent. Leo sounded panicked which wasn't exactly like him. He was usually so calm even in a bad situation.

You rushed to your car and drove to the hospital, probably getting caught for speeding on the way but you didn't care. When you arrived you ran in to the A&E department looking for Leo. He was sitting in a chair in the corner, his head in his hands.

"What happened?" You panted, out of breathe.

"She collapsed, it's not looking good, Harry, they aren't sure if she'll make it."

With his words your world crumbled and everything went black.

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** So... tell me what you think? just a few words in that shiny new review box thingy? :)**

**Lizzi**

**xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh Hello, again! You still reading? You brave people! I wrote most of this on the bus today. I hope you like it! A special thank you to every lovely person who reviewed (especially WelshClaire and Immortal Spud Thief who are brilliant and I love!).**

**A lot of the medical stuff is accurate to google standard, but if I've got any wrong and it offends anyone I am so sorry.**

**Tissue warning for this.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, it belongs to the BBC.**

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Darkness – Part 2

_The pain was excruciating. _

_It was engulfing her._

_It felt as if she was being torn open from the inside out. _

_She wanted it to stop. _

_But she couldn't even open her mouth to speak._

_She wanted to tell Harry she was sorry, that she loved him. _

_She wanted to thank Leo for being a father to her._

_She knew this was coming._

_She did expect it to be this quick._

_It felt as though it was killing her._

_Literally._

* * *

You were told it was looking good and you had passed out. Leo woke you up. He slapped you. That didn't surprise you. He knew you need the shock to get you to be there for Nikki. You were petrified. You hadn't spoken to the doctor yet. You had no idea what was going on. No idea why Nikki was so unwell.

You couldn't help but pace up and down the corridor, off which was the room in which they were treating Nikki. You weren't allowed in. You weren't family. You had tried to explain. You were as close as it got to family. Her parents dead. No siblings. Not a family member in sight. You told them that if they wanted her family they were looking right at it. You'd been fairly vocal in your argument.

The Doctor finally let you in to see Nikki. She looked pale, very pale. You were petrified. It was so scary seeing her lying there, so still. The only movement was the rising and the falling of her chest as she was ventilated. That was your girlfriend, the women you loved with all your heart, just lying motionless, almost on the edge of death. You weren't going to let her slip away from you yet. Not this easily.

You realised you were crying. You weren't meant to cry. You were meant to be strong for her. Leo was holding your shoulder. Supporting you, comforting you. Tears trailed down your cheek. You couldn't even comprehend the situation. It was just hell.

The doctor pulled you aside in to the relative's room to speak to you about her condition. Leo continued to hold you, hugging you tightly. Telling you it was going to be okay. He was trying to hold you together whist inside you were falling apart. The doctor explained that Nikki had collapsed and that they were running tests to find out exactly why. You started to block what he was saying out, not wanting to know what they had to do to her.

"...It has metastasised from the primary tumour to the intestines..."

What? What!

"What?" you couldn't breathe. You didn't believe what you were hearing. It wasn't true. It couldn't be.

The doctor explained it all again. Talking to you as if you didn't have a medical degree, as if you had no medical knowledge what-so-ever. You still didn't believe him.

"No!" You yelled, "It's not true!"

Leo pulled you closer as you sobbed in to his shoulder, staining his shirt with your salty tears. You were almost having a panic attack. You were gasping for ever breathe. Just like Nikki would be right now if she wasn't being ventilated. It wasn't good. Thinking too much about it all just made you sob harder.

"When?" You asked through sobs. The doctor knew what you meant.

"Three months ago." You were angry. Very angry. 3 months and she hadn't told you the life shattering news she had been given. "We said she'd have at least 6 months, she refused treatment so that was the expectation."

So that was why she was so adamant about booking your dream holiday. She had seemed so full of life. Wanting to do everything you possible could together. She'd been determined to make the most of every minute she spent with you. You had discussed having children, agreeing that you wanted at least one, not now but in the future. How could she do that to you? Knowing she was never going to be able to give you that beautiful baby that you both wanted!

You pulled away from Leo. Standing up, you walked out of the stuffy little room you were in. Well more of stormed out. You walked down the corridor. You kicked the plastic chair outside one of the rooms, breaking it and sending it clattering across the hallway. You punched the wall. Fuck. That hurt.

But the pain wasn't as bad as Nikki's. You knew that. She'd refused treatment. Why had she done that? The treatment would have been intensive and horrible and made her awfully ill. So there was your answer, she wanted to be happy and not ill to spend time with you. So she had suffered silently. But the treatment would have given her another year at least. A whole year together. Just you and her. You would have quit your job to look after her. It would have been perfect. No matter how ill she was.

Why hadn't she told you? Why didn't she tell you that she was dying? At least then you would have known to appreciate every second. You'd yelled at her, argued with her and ignored her in the last 3 months on more than one occasion. You regretted every second of it now. You wanted to turn back time. Take away all the horrible things you had said.

Cervical cancer. Late stage IV. She was never going to survive it. It was fast growing and it was always going to kill her. But it spread. And that just made it a million times worse. Her intestines were constricted. She couldn't digest properly. It was killing her slowly and painfully. You'd almost prefer if it was a short and painless death. That explained why she had lost weight. And all of it was causing the "period pains" she had been suffering so badly from. You were a doctor. You should have seen it.

You somehow found yourself in Nikki's room, holding her hand tightly, squeezing it, urging her to wake up. You sobbed in to the sheets covering her, keeping her warm.

"Fight for me, Nikki. Please don't give up." You could barely breathe. You hated the fact that you knew she was in pain. Excruciating pain. And even the morphine would barely dull it.

* * *

_She wanted to scream._

_She wanted it to stop._

_Harry was here, she knew that._

_She didn't want him here. _

_She didn't want him to see her suffer._

_She loved him._

_She wished it would end soon._

_She wished she could just die._

_That was preferable to the suffering she was enduring at the moment._

_She felt a weight lift off her._

_She sighed._

* * *

You heard her sigh. Followed by the monitors beeping. Going crazy. You looked up at Nikki. You panicked. The nurse who was in the room caring for her rushed to her side and hit the emergency alarm button. She started CPR. You were petrified, backed up against the wall. Watching this scene play out in front of you. You were going to lose the woman you loved if her heart didn't start again soon. Tears couldn't be held back, your face was tear stained. You couldn't move. And as much as you wanted to yell at them to go faster you couldn't even breathe.

"Clear... Nothing? Shall we call it?"

"NO! Keep going! I need her!" You didn't even realise it was you who'd yelled until the doctor and his team stared at you before carrying on with CPR. Shocking her, trying to restart her heart.

And then... a pulse. You sobbed and stumbled through your tears from the wall to her bedside. You squeezed her hand. Nikki. Your Nikki. You had her back. You needed her to get better. You hoped that you'd have those 3 more months or that you'd convince her to have the treatment.

You needed her. More than anything. She was your rock. Your rock in the stormy sea. To think of her dying, of her leaving you, was like the rock being swept away from right under your feet and you were drowning in strong tides.

You woke up. No idea how long you had been asleep for. You must have cried yourself to sleep. Leo was sitting in the other chair in the room. He was watching over you and Nikki. You looked at Nikki. Her face was paler than you'd ever seen it. She was wired up to so many machines. On life support. On morphine. Yet her face was still contorted in pain.

You wanted it to stop for her. You wanted her to be comfortable and happy, to know how much she was loved. Yet you'd stopped them from letting her slip away quietly, peacefully. You had allowed her suffering to go on. And for that you hated yourself.

Leo, seeing you were awake came over to you, placing his hand on yours.

"It's time to let her go, Harry, she doesn't want to be here anymore, she doesn't want to suffer." How did Leo know exactly what to say? You wanted just to curl up in to a ball and cry. Or possibly die, that might be preferable to going on without her.

3 hours later and you'd spoken to the doctor. You'd spoken to Nikki's lawyer as well. She'd left most stuff to you and quite a lot to Leo. There was a letter address to you that was marked "Only to be opened when I'm gone". But amongst her papers was a note saying she didn't want to be artificially supported if she was dying. You knew that meant she was ready to die.

You were prepared for them turning the machine off. Or so you thought. You could barely see her face through your tears. And within moments she was gone.

Gone.

Forever.

You ran.

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**So Hi, I hope you liked it, and I would love it if you could drop me a review in that funny little review box. :)**

**Lizzi  
xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3 for you all, thank you so much for your reviews and I'm glad you liked it, even if I was ridiculously mean to Nikki! You are all amazing**

**Poppy – you may need tissue for this... I'm not sure :P**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything! BBC own the characters and I owe the plot to Claire! :)**

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Darkness – Part 3

You were alone. All alone. The room was crowded and you were surrounded by people. People who knew and loved your Nikki. People who were telling you they were sorry. Why were they sorry? It wasn't them who took her off the life support, that was you, you had decided she'd hadn't wanted to fight anymore and you had let her go.

You regretted it now, you regret so much now. Not telling her you loved her earlier. Not having the life with her that you so wanted, craved. You wanted to be able to retire with her, have babies with her, grandchildren, maybe even great grandchildren. You wanted it all and she had been taken away from you. Ripped so cruelly from life. So harshly taken away from you.

You needed her so much. You didn't know how you were going to cope, how you could survive without her? She was your everything. But she was gone. She was just ash now, ash in a pot. Placed in a box, in front of a tree. You'd wanted to take her back to south Africa, to her home, but Leo had convinced you to keep her here, close to you, where you could visit her whenever you wanted, needed to.

This was her funeral. This was where you were supposed to say goodbye. You couldn't let go though, no matter how hard you tried. You wished you were dead. You wanted to be with her. She'd been laid to rest all of an hour now and you had spoken a word to anyone. You'd sat in the corner, nursing your third beer, whilst Leo said a few words, saying how much we'd miss Nikki, and how much she was loved. You didn't want to hear it. You just wanted your Nikki back.

You walked out. Leo saw you going but struggled to fight through the crowd in an attempt to stop you leaving. But you beat him to your car and drove of just as you saw him get out of the building. You didn't want to be there, you didn't want to see people, you wanted to be alone.

You knew you were really too drunk to drive but that didn't stop you, you found yourself at one of the bars you had taken Nikki to within the first month of dating. It was quite nice, the sort of place a lot of people went after work for a drink. You sat at the bar, ordering yourself a double scotch. You knew you were out to get drunk. You knew you'd end up staggering home, soaked by the rain, no cash left to get a cab. It was going to be one of those nights.

A girl approached you, no more than 20 years old, flirting, putting her hand on your leg. She had blond hair, long, curly, her eyes a sparkling hazel, for a second you thought it was Nikki. But her face was too long, her eyes too narrow, her lips the wrong shade of red. You pushed her away, she stumbled back a little bit, looking at you with narrowed eyes.

You moved to the other end of the bar, ordering a tequila shot. Tequila always got you drunk no matter how disgusting the stuff tasted. 2 more shots and you knew you were drunk, very drunk. You were trying your best to walk in a straight line but you knew you were failing, miserably. Your speech was slurred, as you ordered a beer. You knew you should stop, but it didn't hurt so much right now, the pain was almost bearable.

A guy walked past you, his shoulder knocking you slightly. You knew it wasn't purposeful but it pissed you off. Why couldn't he be careful? Why did he have to bump in to you! It wasn't nice! You were in a foul mood as it was. You turned to face him, shoving him slightly. See how he liked it. He turned to face you. You realised you should have just left it. He was young, 25 or so. And big, much bigger than you. And bulkier as well. Shit.

He pushed you back. You staggered backwards. In to another man. Oh great this just gets worst. The guy you had fallen in to smashed his glass against the bar as you fell. You felt a shard of glass hit your neck. Fuck that hurt. You just closed your eyes. You wanted Nikki. You need her, to hold your hand to get you out of trouble. A punch hit your face. You heard your nose crack and blood began to pour out. Shit, shit, shit. You just wanted to get out of there.

You had wanted the pain to go away. For everything to just stop. But now there was physical pain as well as emotional pain. You wanted to die. You wanted to be with Nikki. You were removed from the bar. You think it must have been one of the doormen who took you out. You sat slumped by the door. Your nose bleed slowing as you plugged it with tissues a stranger walking past had given you. You were too far from home to walk. You'd have to get a cab. There was no way you could drive in this state. Even you weren't that reckless. Even if you wanted to die, you didn't want to die in a car crash. There were better ways to go.

You hailed a cab. The driver asking where to, you gave the address. It was 2am. You didn't want to go home. Not back to your flat. Not with all the memories of Nikki there. You didn't know where to go. That's why you'd given the Lyell Centre address. At least there you could find a spot, where you could just sleep. Perhaps in the men's toilet. At least there wouldn't be memories of Nikki there.

You paid for the cab. And you entered the Lyell Centre. You saw her desk. Her cardigan was still over the back of your chair, you hadn't been here since that day over a week ago now. They'd carried out a post mortem on her. You'd wanted to do it. But Leo stopped you from even going to watch, telling you that you wouldn't cope. You'd yelled at him, hit him even. But he was right. You saw that now. Just seeing her stuff was enough to set you spinning, spiralling out of control. Your tears dripping on to her scribbled notes. You looked through them: _Collect report from lab, Order tests on Jack Thymo blood, Help Leo find girlfriend, Eat more bananas, Facial reconstruction on Jane Doe, _and finally, _Tell Harry truth. _

She was going to tell you. Oh god. How would you have taken it? You don't even know. Would you have cried? Yes, you think you would have. Even if not when she told you. Afterwards, when you were alone. When it really would have sunk in that you were going to lose her forever.

Why had this happened to you? Why you? You had to get out of the Lyell Centre. You couldn't cope. You need to be away from everything that reminded you of her. So you left. Walked out. Hoping that you'd find somewhere to go, you walked and walked. Just wandering the streets, trying to find somewhere just to be, to be with yourself.

You were soaked to the skin when you finally looked up to see where you had ended up. You'd sat down on the pavement about 10 minutes ago, just sobbing in to your hands, your face still covered with blood and you were pretty sure that shard of glass was still embedded in to the back of your neck. You were outside Leo's house. How had you got here? It was a good 2 miles from the Lyell. He'd kill you if you knocked on his door at this time of night. But he'd kill you if he found you drunk as anything, bloodied up, tear stained and exhausted.

So you knocked. Once, twice. He answered. He was just in his boxers. You'd disturbed him. He had obviously been asleep. He kept rubbing his eyes. He realised who it was and pulled you in to his hallway. He told you looked a wreck. You said that you knew that. He got a pair of tweezers and pulled out the shard of glass in your neck, that stung. He found a damp cloth and began gently wiping all the dried blood from your face, and around your neck.

He cleaned the blood of you in silence, sorting you out, taking care of you just like Nikki would have. Your brain was still clouded with alcohol. His face was so close to yours as he wiped your lips. You couldn't help yourself. You lent forward and kissed him. Full on.

It wasn't Nikki, but you felt safe. His lips were warm and soft. He was kissing you back. What were you doing? You were kissing your boss in his living room, drunk out of your mind at 3am. You'd lost your girlfriend, the love of your life 9 days ago, for goodness sake.

"Leo..." You whispered as you pulled away. Look at him, his eyes were closed, his face looked so torn.

"What are we doing, Harry? Is this just because you need someone because Nikki is gone?" He questioned you, you weren't entirely sure why, you didn't have the answers he wanted. You just kissed him again. He responded, deepening this kiss, allowing you access. He'd be able to taste the alcohol on you, you knew that. He knew you were drunk, yet he continued. You continued.

It seemed so wrong but it was comforting. You felt the pain dissipate, fading from your brain. You weren't sure whether that was the kiss or the alcohol but whatever it was it was better. His hands were in your soaking hair, his body pressed against yours.

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**Right, so... Okay... I'm mean and I know a lot of people aren't keen on H/L pairing but sometimes I just think it works. Let me know what you think :)**

**Lizzi  
xxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello, thank you all for the response to the last chapter and thank you for being honest. This one... its happier. For once :P I'd like to apologise for how short it is though, inspiration would just not come to me. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing and... BBC, If you are reading, don't make this happen!**

**For Poppy – No tissue warning this chapter... I promised some happiness for you, I'll start writing chapter 5 immediately :P**

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Darkness – Part 4

You awoke. Sleeping in a warm bed, a warm body pressed tightly behind yours. Your first thought. Nikki. It had all been a dream. You open your eyes. This wasn't your bed, it was Nikki's either. But you recognised the room. You were in Leo's house. What were you doing here? How had you got here? The last you remember was being in the bar, getting in to a fight.

You looked behind you. Leo. Why were you in bed with Leo? Why were you just wearing your boxers? And what you presumed to be Leo's t-shirt? Shit. What had happened? Shit.

It was all a blur in your head but you could vividly remember sitting on the pavement, soaking wet, crying your eyes out. You remember Leo, a very sleepy Leo, cleaning you up, pulling the glass out of your neck, making it better. You remember his lips, his tongue, his hands. Oh god. What had you done? Nikki. You'd betrayed her. But you couldn't help think how good it felt. So good to be in someone's arms, to feel loved, to feel wanted. He was still clothed. You were clothed. You can't have gone further than kissing but you had ended up in his bed.

Leo began to stir behind you, you could feel him pull you closer, cuddling up to you. He whispered your name, asking if you were awake. You turned to look over your shoulder, rolling over to face him. His eyes were questioning you, asking you whether you remembered. You nodded slightly, making eye contact at him before staring off in to the distance. Trying not to think about what had just happened.

You ignored the awkwardness as he held you tight, comforting you, telling you that it would all be okay. His arms were comforting, they were warm. You wanted him to keep you safe. You didn't have Nikki, but you had him. He was your best friend, apart from her. He was the man you had first confessed your love for her to. He had told you to go for it. That had been years ago. He'd been so happy when you got together, he was always your biggest supporter, helping you through everything. You'd had arguments in the past. Up until now you'd never realised how much you truly cared for him.

You got up. Got dressed. Both of you, it was slightly awkward; you could feel the tension between you. You could cut the air with a knife. You needed to talk. Not just about last night, but about everything. About Nikki, about moving on. Leo had experience of this. You didn't. You didn't know how to cope. Were you using him? Probably.

You talked to him. Told him how scared you were. Told him how lost you were. How you needed someone to guide you, show you the way. Lead you from this hell you were in. You just wanted to crawl in to a hole and die. That'd make it all so much better.

Leo took you by the hand. Forcing you to follow him. You didn't put up much resistance. You knew he was only trying to help. You were in the park. Hyde Park. It was where you went with Nikki. Where you had first confessed your love to her. Leo knew that, Leo was trying to help. You really didn't want to be here. But Leo did help. He comforted you.

You actually felt quite happy, for the first time since you got that horrible phone call. You could be happy with Leo. He could hold you together. It was better. You smiled at him. The sky was dark and stormy. Threatening to rain at any moment. London look beautiful like this. You'd think the city would look best in perfect sunshine, but the stormy weather, it was perfect. Kind of reflected how you were feeling. On the verge of breaking down like a thunder storm, but occasionally you'd see a ray of sunshine escape through the clouds, the hope you felt, a future, something that would lead to better days.

Sober now and in the harsh light of day, you looked at Leo. And he looked right back at you. Staring in to your soul. He knew you, like no one else. Almost as well as Nikki knew you. He had been there, through the ups and the downs. You hesitated. Your eyes darted to look at his lips. He looked at you. Urging you to do what you wanted, not pressuring you at all. You leaned forward, just millimetres away from his face. Paused. And then you found your lips against his. A brief, closed mouth kiss. But then you did it again. It felt nice, not like Nikki's hot, passionate kisses. But this was warm, friendly, it felt very open.

This was London, no one even batted an eye lid at the pair of you kissing so openly. His arm was around you, holding you close. He whispered in your ear, asking you whether it was okay for him to carry on kissing you. You replied by kissing him back. He tasted of spearmint and coffee. Nikki had always tasted of coffee. Oh god. Could you really do this?

You pulled away. Leo could see how torn you were. He could see it wasn't easy for you.

"Can we just walk and talk?" you asked, shyly. You'd never been shy around Leo before, but you'd just, completely sober, kissed your boss in the middle of Hyde Park!

You walked around, just aimlessly following paths. Not really caring where you ended up. It was nice. You felt at ease. Like it could all get better. You felt hope. You almost felt loved. You were definitely cared for.

And there was something else. Something you hadn't felt since that day. Something that almost didn't register what it was for a while. You felt alive.

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**Thank you for reading, please review, always makes my day :) **

**Lizzi  
xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**So I have reached the end. I will be writing an epilogue, which I promise will be happy! Ummm I don't really know what to say here except that I cried a lot writing this, I don't usually cry at much. But this killed me. And I reckon you lot will kill me too... I am so so sorry.**

_***TISSUE WARNING!* ( You may need a whole roll... I did :'( )**_

**And Poppy... I may have lied to you, I'm very sorry :'( **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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Darkness – Part 5

Leo dropped you home. It was 9pm. He'd taken you out for a meal, insisting on paying. You felt so guilty. He had been so kind to you, so understanding. You had cried. A lot. The restaurant you went to was the one that you had taken Nikki to on your third date. It was one of Leo's favourites but it held so many memories. You'd had an amazing date, you properly talked over the relationship. You had made everything clear, you knew where you were taking it after that night and that you weren't just mucking about.

When you had walked in there it felt like you had been stabbed in the chest, like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. You couldn't breathe, your eyes welled up. You wanted to run but you were rooted to the spot. Leo had calmed you down, pulling you in to a hug, instructing you to take deep breaths.

You had talked over dinner, about everything, about you and Nikki, about how to move forward, how to not fall apart. But here you were now. Alone again. Falling apart. That spark of life you had felt earlier had disappeared. You felt more alone than ever. Nikki was gone. And now Leo had left you alone. You wanted to escape.

You noticed the little red light flashing on your answer machine. A message. You had barely been at home to receive any messages. You pressed the button. It beeped.

"You Have 1 New Message. First Message. Friday at 5:06PM." The robotic female voice said. Followed by a softer male voice. "Hello, Dr. Cunningham, this is Dr. O'Reilly, the doctor who carried out the post mortem on your partner, Nicola Alexander, I would like to discuss the toxicology results that have come through with you. Ring me back whenever you get this message."

It sounded urgent. What in Nikki's tox report could be urgent? There must be something wrong. It must be bad news. Your head was spinning. It couldn't get much worse than everything you had already suffered through, everything you had had to hear about her body, about the cancer, about the suffering she would have been enduring.

You dialled the number the pathologist had given you. He answered despite the fact it was almost half past nine on a Friday night. He knew it was you immediately, who else would cal at this time? You were already crying without knowing what this was all about. Talking to you about the basics, he explained everything was pretty normal, the oxygen saturation was a bit low but that was to be expected. Her iron was very low. That was odd, it really shouldn't have been. But he told you he thought he'd found an explanation. He told you to sit down, that I most likely wasn't going to like what he was going to say.

You were scared. You sat on the bed. It wasn't your bed anymore. You couldn't think of it as your bed since she wasn't here anymore to share it with you. You listen to him as he told you her that her hCG was high, you knew what that meant. It couldn't be. You dropped the phone. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be. No. No. Just no.

You couldn't stop the tears, the sobs, the pain that ripped through your chest. No. No. Please god no. After everything this just topped it all. Your world crashed down. It couldn't be true. You'd lost her and even more. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't see through the tears. Your chest felt so tight. Like someone had ripped out your heart and stamped on. It had been torn out. Your heart had gone with Nikki. And... you couldn't even think about it. You'd lost everything.

Your brain couldn't comprehend the information you had just been told. You staggered to the kitchen, your hands shaking. You grabbed a glass and a bottle of whiskey. His glass wasn't even used. He took a large swig from the bottle. Nikki had bought it for you. Nikki. She'd gone. She'd left you. You were all alone. You took another swig. You could feel it going to your head. Clouding your judgement. Or making it clearer.

You could see things so much more clearly now. You love her. You needed to be with her. No matter what. Wherever she was you needed to be. With her. Your pain was fading as you could see what you had to do. You had to be with her.

Another gulp of whiskey. Half the bottle was gone now. You remembered what had happened today. The guilt you felt was overwhelming. You kissed Leo. He'd kissed you. You had betrayed the woman you loved. Her trust had been betrayed. She had trusted you with her heart. What had done? Why had you done it? The tears began again. You wanted to take back the whole day. You wanted it all to be a dream. To wake up and to have her safe and well in your arms. To have her with you. To have heard the news from the pathologist not from him but from her.

The pain was excruciating. Maybe painkillers would help. Codeine should just about do it. One. Two. Three. Four. You gulped them down with more whiskey. You knew that wasn't enough to take you to Nikki. You needed to be with her. You felt light headed.

Your laptop was still on from the last time it had been used, over a week ago. You moved the mouse, illuminating the screen. Nikki's face stared at you. So happy. Smiling. Hugging you close as you mucked around on the beach in Bude, Cornwall. It had been perfect. But she wasn't here. She wasn't here to hold you tight. To make everything better. There was no one to make it better. Nothing anyone could do.

You opened Word. Your hands were shaking, but you could still type steadily. You were surprised at how easy it was to write the words you need to say. To tell Leo. To say you were sorry. You hated yourself. You needed Nikki.

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_Dear Leo,_

_I don't really know what to say. I just can't be here anymore. Not without her. I'm sorry for screwing everything up. I'm sorry for today. I love you, Leo, you've been amazing. _

_But Dr O'Reilly called. I lost more than just Nikki. I lost someone else too. Only just. But I still lost her. I don't even know if it was a her. But I can't say it, she was a baby, no more than 4 weeks, just a ball of cells really but still. I could have had a family.I could have had exactly what I always wanted with Nikki and now it's all gone._

_But it's just got too much. I can't go on. I can't, I just can't. And I'm so sorry. The pain is too much now. It's just too much. I can't cope. I just can't. So goodbye, Leo. I can be with my family now .With my Nikki and our baby. I'm so sorry._

_Harry_

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You couldn't see through the tears. You need your Nikki. Four more codeine, 3 paracetamol , 5 ibuprofen. You downed the rest of the whiskey. You felt like you were floating. Like you were on top of the world. It wasn't painful anymore. You closed your eyes. You could see her face, she was smiling. Holding your baby. You could see them standing in front of you. Calling out to you, wanting you to join them.

Squeezing your eyes tightly shut, you drifted out of consciousness. Just blackness. Just nothingness. Just emptiness. But you could hear her. You could feel her. You reached out to her, feeling her in your arms again. You let out the breath you'd been holding. Then, nothing.

Nothing.

Black.

Nothing.

Gone.

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**Okay, so, thank you for reading. I am very sorry.**

**Drop me a little review and I will love you forever :P**

**I apologise for making people cry.**

**Lizzi  
xxx**


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